Standing at a crossroads

Jaycie and Maddie Tant stood on a Cape Cod beach one June day in 2015, each clutching a handful of balloons. On a warm, clear summer day, the balloons’ sea foam color might have blended into the ocean behind them. On this particular afternoon, however, there was a definite chill in the air as rain fell from a gloomy gray sky on the two little girls and their parents, Jared and Cortney.

It wasn’t your typical day at the beach. But on this day, the Tants weren’t there to play, and they weren’t going to allow the weather to halt their plans. Indeed, just a few minutes before, the family was navigating its way to the beach through a storm, jammed like sardines inside a Ford Expedition so full of those sea-foam colored balloons that Jared, Cortney and the girls couldn’t even see each other.

Now, two little girls stood on the shore with their mommy and daddy. Loosening their grip and watching the balloons float away, Jaycie and Maddie sent their love to Heaven, to the little brother they never got to meet.

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That previous fall, Cortney and Jared found out she was pregnant with their third child. A joyous occasion for most, in the moment it was anything but for Cortney. Jared had just been laid off from his job, and the young family was feeling the strain of its tightening budget.

“Life seemed so hopeless,” Cortney said. “At the time, finding out I was pregnant was my worst nightmare. I was so mad. How could God do that? He knew the financial mess we were in.”

Soon enough, the emotional tides would shift, and anger turned to joy. God would provide, Cortney figured. Doesn’t He always?

For a brief moment, it looked like the Tants were actually expecting twins. At their first sonogram, they saw two babies. Only one, though, had a heartbeat. Cortney and Jared once again experienced a roller coaster of emotions, in an instant going from excited and thrilled to see two children to heartbroken and concerned when only had a heartbeat.

A specialist soon revealed that there was only one baby all along. What they thought was a second child was actually a mass of tissue. The couple was told that their baby was healthy, but the tissue mass could be dangerous and needed to be monitored frequently.

The news left Cortney’s head spinning as she tried to make sense of the situation.

“I was thinking, ‘What is going on?’” she said. “I was healthy and had two previous healthy pregnancies. And why did this have to happen when we were still unemployed?”

But with every trip to their specialist, Cortney and Jared felt better about the situation. The baby was growing and moving. Excitement was building as the Christmas season dawned, and Jaycie and Maddie wondered if they would have a baby brother or another sister. They bounced around possible names and daydreamed about how would they decorate the nursery.

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The Tants were about to find out if their little one was a boy or a girl. It was December 27. On New Years Day, they planned to reveal the gender to the rest of the world.

But instead of hearing the news they came for that day, they were blindsided.

“We found out he had spent Christmas with Jesus,” Cortney said.

Shattered, she spent hours telling herself to “just stay strong.”

“I had to be strong,” she said. “I had family surrounding me. Their hearts were breaking for the baby and for me. I had to stay strong for my husband and for our daughters. How do you explain that to your children?”

That night, Cortney laid in bed, arguing with God. “Trust Me,” God told her. She didn’t want to trust Him. She was scared, and she didn’t agree with what He was doing. She certainly didn’t like what He was doing. With every argument she made, God gave her the same answer: “Trust Me.”

Alone in the dark, Cortney saw a vision of crossroads. One direction was dark and lonely. It led to doubt. It was terrifying. The other way was dark, too, but it felt calm and still. She made a decision.

“I chose the peaceful path,” Cortney said. “I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was 13, but I never experienced God speaking to me before that night. But I heard His words so clearly – ‘Trust Me’ – and I could feel His warmth wrap around me. I could rest easy in Him.

“I clung to Him that weekend like my life depended on it. It did. I asked Him for healing. For comfort. For peace. I told God that I wanted to hold our baby this side of Heaven. I asked Him if it was a boy or a girl. I asked Him to show me what happened, if it was something I could have prevented.

“I could feel peace in a way that I could never describe to you. There was a calmness and certainty that God was using the entire pregnancy to speak to me, to draw me closer to Him, to love me deeper. I spent three days in the wilderness. It was dark, quiet, but I was never alone.

“Even now, the pain is still very real. Some days it’s all I can do to get out of bed. But we serve a God who will never leave us nor forsake us. When He asks us to trust Him, it’s for the long haul.”

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On January 2, 2015, six days after finding out she had miscarried after a 16-week pregnancy, Cortney delivered that baby boy at her home. He already had fingernails, eyebrows and “adorable little ears,” she said.

“I held our little boy. He looked just like his daddy. To see God’s creation before my very eyes was something I never deserved.”

God answered the questions she asked Him during her three days in the wilderness. Cortney’s son had fluid covering his back from his tailbone to his neck. Doctors told her even if he made it full term, it was likely that he would have only lived moments after he was born.

Cortney and Jared named their baby boy Shiloh.

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Shiloh would be two years old now. Every January 2, the Tants celebrate his birthday, much like they did when they celebrated on his due date in Cape Cod.

“The balloons are our daughters’ way of connecting to Shiloh,” Cortney said. “They call it their love going to Heaven. They send their wishes and hugs and kisses. They kiss and hug the balloons and then send them up to him.”

Cortney shares her own bond with Shiloh. It’s a bond that can only be shared by a mother and her son. It’s a bond that brought her closer to God.

“Because of God, I survived something I never thought I could endure,” she said. “Because of Him, I know how much I am loved. Because of Him, I know I will see Shiloh again and he will run to my arms to meet me.”

Cortney said the name Shiloh means “peace.”

“It’s the only word that could ever describe my journey.”

Originally appeared in Mobberly Magazine in 2016